Gift Guide for People You Don't Like

I wasn't assigned any gift guides this year and assumed none of my clients would appreciate this idea. So here you go

I’m not trying to be mean and this isn’t a joke. These are my gifting ideas for people you don’t actually like but are obgliated to purchase something for. None of these items overtly scream I Don’t Like You, but you’ll know and I’ll know.

NPR Gift Subscription

For the one member of your family who doesn’t quite see eye to eye with your politics or inherent moral values. If you can, splurge on the membership level that comes with a tote bag.

Or Any Other Charity Gift Membership

If NPR is too on-the-nose, consider a gift membership to a charity like Audubon Society, Palestine Children's Relief Fund, or the Human Rights Campaign. If they don’t see eye to eye with you on NPR, they probably also don’t go campaigning for wildlife conservation, Palestinian children, and LGBTQ+ rights. Plus you’ll be donating to a worthy cause.

Chain-Store Ground Coffee

Not to be confused with a bag of local whole-bean coffee, which is a gift for someone you love.

Hardcover Copy of Infinite Jest

Be sure to follow up every few weeks and ask how they’re liking it.

Anything from the Checkout Aisle at TJ Maxx

Packed with chaotic amounts of random crap from dog toys to bags of chips, the checkout shelves at TJ Maxx are the place to grab a last-second gift for the person you forgot about after shopping for your own discount Michael Kors purse and factory second Chi shampoo. Ideas from this liminal space include pecan-praline-cookie-and-coffee gift set, gourmet marshmallows with the bottom ones are kind of smashed together, or a floral notebook with “She Believed She Could So She Did” stamped on the cover. If you really want to drive the point home, do a sloppy removal of the ORIGINALLY $,NOW sticker.

Jam Tree

Nothing says “I had no idea what to get you” like a jam tree. This isn’t even a bad gift, it’s just impersonal.

Tea Sampler

Similar vibe as the jam tree, but for dusty teabags

Family-Sized Pack of Bad Socks

Socks have had a storied gifting legacy. They were the worst gift to receive as a child, then the best gift to receive as an adult. But they are only the best gift if they’re the expensive wicking kind with a nice blend of merino and synthetic that you’re too cheap to buy yourself. When I talk about Bad Socks, I’m talking about a 10-pack of crappy cotton socks they won’t want to give away because they might need them as backup, but take up too much space to be worth keeping. This back and forth will haunt them every time they try to organize their sock drawer.

Massage Certificate to a Place They Hate

I can’t take credit for this, as it came directly from a friend’s Very Bad Valentine’s Day a few years ago. Late in the day amid increasing disappointment, she received via panicked text message that promised “something special coming to your inbox.” I totally called it, saying “it’s going to be a massage gift certificate to a place you hate.” She texted me 20 minutes later and said “it’s a massage gift certificate to a place I hate.” Take it from this real-life experience: it’s a bad gift.

Self Help Workbook

This idea came from the recipient of the Massage Certificate to a Place They Hate. Inspired and not subtle, especially if you go with the linked idea about How to Stop Being Toxic.